dchan: A silhouette of a woman appearing to hold the sun in her hands (hold the sun in my hands)
Hey guys! I realize it's been a really long time since I've posted anything, so those of you who don't read my twitter or talk to me on AIM might be unaware of what's going on in my life. There's been a lot of major changes going on in the past couple of eight months, so I figured it was well past time for an update.

Bullet point version GO!

+ Last fall was pretty shitty for me emotionally, and I was roller-coastering all over the place.
+ I ended up going on medical leave from school again in December. *sigh*
+ After some thought, I decided that instead of trying to try to go back right away, I should spend some time trying to figure out what I want to do, because I've been having a LOT of doubts about what my long-term goals are lately.
+ My car's brakes spontaneously failed in May and I had a pretty bad crash on the freeway. Luckily I wasn't hurt, but I no longer have a car and it is driving me crazy.
+ I started making things to sell at conventions! I make spiffy feather headbands and candles. I'm hoping to start up an etsy shop soon.
+ I moved to Iowa in July! I'm living with [personal profile] calculusletters, [personal profile] thiefofvoices, and [personal profile] magistrate (and a couple other people) now. I'm so happy to be able to live with my family, but uprooting myself and moving half-way across the country has been a BIG change for me. More on that later, probably.
+ I turned 24 at the beginning of August. I feel old now. T_T
+ I'm a Certified Pharmacy Technician now. There are a lot of healthcare jobs around here, so I figured that would be something that I could probably get a job that would be less soul-crushing than retail. (And it pays a hell of a lot better too.) I took the certification test a couple of weeks ago and passed on my first try. :D Now to find a job....

Aaaand, lastly but probably most importantly, I've decided to change the name I go by. I've decided to go by San from now on. It's not that I suddenly dislike the name dchan, but I've been dchan for over 7 years now and the name has just...ceased to resonate for me. It doesn't feel like it fits anymore, which makes sense because I'm a very different person now compared to back then. And I figured, since there are so many other major changes going on in my life right now, it seems like a perfect time to make the switch.

And as to why the name San...well, I actually haven't figured that out yet, haha. I was trying to find a more gender-neutral name for myself that I could also start using regularly in real life (like at my job and such, if/when I get one) and San just...sounded right in my head. I'm not entirely sure what it means, if anything. It definitely feels like it's short for something, although I'm not entirely sure what. Possibly Sanya. That's the one that's stuck around the longest, but it still doesn't feel quite right. It'll come to me in time, I'm sure.

Of course, I don't expect everyone to be able to switch right away. That's fine. I'm perfectly comfortable with being called dchan, and I'll still respond to it if people call me that. However, I'm going to start referring to myself as San pretty consistently in most places from now on, so people should be aware of that. ...Or something.

P.S. I pronounce San with an 'ah' sound (so it rhymes with "con" or "dawn"). In theory, you could also pronounce it with an æ sound (like in "man" or "cat"), but I happen to think that æ is a really unpleasant vowel sound so I don't pronounce it that way and might look at you slightly funny if you do. :|
dchan: Kishuu Arashi (from X/1999) (arashi)
Soooo. I still don't have my computer back yet. I'm really annoyed, but I can't quite bring myself to get angry about it. The fact that I can get into SFL and use the library computers 24/7 does a lot to alleviate things. I've also been using my iPod Touch to use AIM and do light internet browsing back at the apartment. Tagging on it is a pain though. I'll spend thirty minutes painstakingly typing out a tag with one finger and then I'll press one wrong button and it'll get eaten. D:<

I am loving the current plot I've got going with Mio. She accidentally killed a man with her power, and had to call Jack and Owen for backup because she was incapacitated from the psychic backlash. She's debriefing Jack right now, plus she's also been having a talk about it with Ianto. In her talk with Ianto, she's slowly realizing that she's beginning to fall in love with him, but she's never felt this except second hand, so the poor girl is dreadfully confused. She's also beginning to realize she's attracted to him as well (due her history and emotional intimacy issues, it does have to happen in that order), and is not quite sure what to do with that either. The problem with living most of your adult life in a place with very free sexual expression is that she's not quite sure what to do now that she's back in the 21st century where there are courting rituals. I want to hit her and Ianto both with a cluebat, although it finally beginning to look like things are beginning to get places.

So magi were talking the other morning and we had the idea of a Phoebe/Jack/Ianto/Mio OT4. I think this is the best thing ever and we should totally go for it. Mio is less enthusiastic. Part of it is because it wasn't her idea. Mio always like it when things are her idea. But the thing is, this whole OT4 thing would totally ruin her plans of emotional martyrdom. She knows Ianto still has very strong feelings for Jack, and she doesn't want to take advantage of that. So she'd either want to try to set him back up with Jack, or with Phoebe once she learns that Ianto and Phoebe are attracted to each other. She doesn't want to dump her emotional intimacy issues on him as well as all of the other issues she's burdening him with. (At this point, I'm going like "Ahahaha, Mio, why are you me? Stop being me. It's creepy.") With Jack, she's also in a lot of denial about how she feels about him, but also she doesn't know how Ianto feels about poly and doesn't want to try to steal Jack away from him. If Jack started putting the moves on her, that would be one thing, and she'd consider it, but she can't be making any of the first moves in this situation. With Phoebe, Mio feels awful about it, but she kind of has issues with her. Phoebe has a lot of similar personality characteristics to Mio's cousin Mizuki that Mio bullied all of their childhood, so Mio gets flashbacks about it sometimes. She doesn't want to hurt Phoebe or anything, but it's hard to be around someone who reminds you of what a terrible person you were. So Mio's been avoiding Phoebe since they joined Torchwood, but she's been so discreet about it that Phoebe has no clue! Which in some ways, kind of makes it worse for Mio. I don't know if they'll end up attracted to each other once they've worked things out or not. I'm pretty sure Mio's pansexual, once you get over the intimacy issues, but Phoebe's never made any indication that she's into girls. In fact, she's turned down all of the girls who have gotten crushes on her, so that side of the OT4 may not connect. But characters have a way of surprising us sometimes, so you never know!

ETA: Phoebe turned down Iris, but she kind of had a thing with Sunshine and a quasi-platonic crush-thing on Babel. Mio doesn't know about either of those, though.

Luka's sort of been at odds and ends lately, and has been for a while. I'm not really sure what to do with her to get her back into gear again. She's around, and I can usually find something to tag her into, but there's no real overarching storyline going on. It's frustrating, because she's so fixated on Arlin even though he's been out of town for several months now. I want her to move on, at least a little bit, but she's so intent on moping over his absence.

Totally on a different subject, but I discovered an awesome band called Pendulum the other day. They're a drum'n'bass/electronic rock band based out of the UK. I bought their second album, In Silico, on Saturday, and I have been listening to it almost nonstop since then. It's pretty awesome. Sadly, their third album is not up on iTunes right now, and I can only download from there because of not having a computer I have to download straight to my iPod. (Does Amazon mp3 work for downloading to iPods?) Now that I'm not super worried about money anymore because my dad transferred the rest of my money for the month, I might pick up the first album tonight.

Oh, and also some good news! Although I was out of commission most of last week due to having a hypomanic episode, I got all caught up except the midterm in one of my classes and I'm talking to my profs about the situation and they're totally flexible with working with me. So yay, I'm not getting kicked out of school right now! (It may be an issue again if I don't finish all of my classes this term, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.)
dchan: Tsuruga Ren (from Skip Beat) holding a cell phone. text: internet addict (internet addict)
So, my computer fan has been making strangled noises the pas few days and my CPU's been running hot, but since I've only got the one laptop and no secondary computer I've been resisting taking it in. Like it says in the icon, internet addict, yo. I need my fix! but earlier this morning the CPU was getting up into the 80s in both cores...and I mean 80 degrees Celcius. I was getting really worried so I turned it off and I'm typing this up now with my iPod touch. I'm not a big fan of onscreen keyboards, but the browser on my phone is so painful that it's almost unusable. Either don't give me internet capability at all, or do it right. Doing it halfassedly just makes me want to rage at things.

In other news, I finally got off my ass and started posting again in BTR, and it is amazing. I think a lot of the depression I was going through was because my own neuroses were keeping me from posting. My characters were there, waiting to be let out, and I was stifling them. I honestly think that starting to RP again did more for my mood than the change in drugs did. I can't tell you for certain, because the two changes were concurrent, but that's just how I feel. Unfortunately, I'm also about to get kicked out of school again, and the headvoices (especially Mio) are being so loud and insistent that it's a constant struggle to try to keep from monofocusing on the RP and actually get work done. *sigh* I'll be checking my inbox every 5 seconds and my brain will be like..."tag? tag plz? want tag! tagtsgtagtagtag" and it's obnoxious because it will be 3 am and I KNOW no one is awake and tagging at that hour.

I've got a little less than six hours to make like I've actually been productive this weekend, so I don't ge kicked out. I did get a chunk of work done, but I'm not sure it will be enough. Gonna bust out the easy problems on the other set as well to beef up how much it looks like I got done. The blessing and the curse of the sets in this class is that they're mostly bitchwork with conceptual questions straight out of the book, so it either goes really quickly if you can find the right answers and really slowly if you can't. And you're not allowed to use the Internet to look up the answers either. It's kind of annoying because good google fu cuts down the search time for conceptual explanations by a lot, but there's also a lot of chemdraw-type apps that will basically do the other parts of the set for you without you having to put in any effort of thought as to how it works. And you can still totally ask other people and TAs if you don't understand as well, but that's something I've always struggled with because of my social anxiety/phobia.

Anyhow, gonna finish breakfast and get my ass to work.
dchan: A kitten curled up into a small ball (kitten ball)
Words have been difficult lately. Trying to speak feels like a little bit like slogging through mud, and there are times when I know people are speaking in English to me but feels as incomprehensible as a foreign language. I can feel the extra processing power that my brain needs to parse anything. Written text is easier, but even that is taking extra effort to parse.

I feel like I've forgotten all basic conversational skills.  People will speak to me, and I know a response is warranted but I forget what it is that I'm supposed to say.

I look at assignments, and I get what the question is asking but I can't write out the equations to find the answer, because they won't come.  I haven't been able to turn in anything this term so far. I don't want to have to drop out.
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